There is a lot of marketing involved in the multi-billion dollar industry of health and fitness. How can someone differentiate their products from the other competitors out there? Simple. Shovel a bunch of shit and lies down your throat! I’ve seen some stupid products out there and I’m sure you have too if you’ve ever watched television for more than 30 minutes.
This new section of the Better Body Journal will highlight and expose some of the more ridiculous weight loss and fitness products out there. Unfortunately, people are wasting a lot of money on diet fads, silly machines, and worthless books each and everyday. Fortunately, we’re here to warn you of these completely useless and ineffective contraptions before you’re suckered out of your money. Welcome to the “Sucker’s Corner.”
As I was dozing off last night in bed, I thought I was dreaming when I saw a commercial for a product called the “Red Exerciser.” It had to be a dream because it was so ridiculous that nonsense like this could only exist in my imagination. The “Red Exerciser.” It’s red, and it’s an exerciser. It must work right? I had to pinch myself to make sure I was still awake. Let me tell you a little bit about not what this product is, but what this product does. (Keep in mind, I can make these evaluations based on a 1 minute-long infomercial, without actually using the product, simply because I run a website with a blog that allows me to express my opinions with repercussion.)
This miracle product, the “Red Exerciser,” will turn the fattest man or woman’s body into a work of art that rivals that of da Vinci’s Michelangelo. You will lose many pounds and many inches off of your waist. So much so that you will have to buy a new tape measure because you will use your old one as a belt since you can now wrap it around yourself multiple times and then tie a knot to hold it up.
How does it work? How does the “Red Exerciser” shed pounds of fat and numerous inches off of your frame? It’s simple really, because all you have to do is twist and turn on this thing until you are made of granite. Just keep twisting and turning on the “Red Exerciser” until your core stomach muscles are so strong and lean that they will in turn affect the rest of the muscles in your body.
OK, enough of the sarcastic potshots at this thing. Let’s get a serious for a minute. The “Red Exerciser” is a fucking barstool. It’s a barstool with handles. Whoever invented this thing needs to be euthanized. If you own one, please leave this website immediately and never return.
Take a look at their website to get an idea of the different product versions they have. Why they have more than one is beyond me. But they have three versions of this thing to make it look like they put more than 6 minutes of thought into product differentiation. Let’s explore the three models of the Red Exerciser in detail.
The first thing you’ll notice with this model is that it’s rated for only up to 250lbs. So if you’re overweight, you are immediately going to have to upgrade to the Deluxe model, or the Professional Health Club model if you’re a real mess. With the Entry Level – XL, you get a basic workout DVD which I can only assume is a 30-second long clip showing you how to operate it. (Sit on it. Grab the handles. Rotate back and forth.)
Keep going down the list of features and you’ll see the price. Here is where you realize you’re getting ripped off. $150 shipped. I can tell how you how to replace this machine with something a little less expensive. It’s called a stick. Whether it’s a hockey stick, a weighted bar, or a broom, you can replace the motion of this machine by putting a stick behind your head and twisting back and forth. The only necessary qualification of the stick is that it has to be solid enough to not break behind your head.
As we move up the product line of bullshit, we have the Deluxe Exerciser. What makes it Deluxe? Well, you get 30 more pounds of resistance and a workout DVD. Not just any workout DVD though! You get a workout DVD with Celebrity Trainer George Poe (whoever the hell that is.) And you get an extra inch of cushion, because we all know comfort is the most important thing when it comes to training.
You’ll notice that there is no price for this one. Why is that? The reason is because its probably astronomically expensive and displaying the price before they could get your credit card on file would be detrimental to sales. Judging by the price of the lower end model and the huge amount of bullshit built into this product and company, we can assume you’re going to drop at least $200 on this nonsense. If you knew the price before hand, you would never allow this thing into your house for the “Free Trial” and you would send a nasty letter to the manufacturer demanding they cut off their own testicles with a blunt instrument.
The more extreme the name, the more extreme the product. Adding MAX to anything automatically adds $100 to the price tag and makes it so good you want to slide kick your mom in the face. If you’re looking to fill your home with exercise equipment that you will stop using after a week, then this is the product for you!
The sad part is people will continue to buy the “Red Exerciser” because marketing works. Good marketing can sell you a dirty sock full of maple syrup and make you think if you rub it on your nuts, you can hold an erection for 42 days. By educating yourself, the consumer, you can avoid nonsense like this product. Intuition will tell you if it’s too good to be true, then someone is making a lot of money because people are idiots. Not you though. You’re smarter than that. Right?